Hitting a wall

Here I am again. I’ve been here so many times before. I’ve hit the wall and am drained of energy and drive. I’ve been working at a job that requires a 2 hour commute each way, five days a week for about four years. That means that during an average week, I spend 20 hours a week in the car. You may have heard all of this before. You may be wondering why I’ve been doing this so long and/or what sort of head trauma I’ve suffered. To answer the why, I’m going to cheat a little and borrow from an email that I sent to EB.

Just a heads up, EB and I will say “leans in” before we’re about to confide something, so when you see that in my email, you won’t think I accidentally pasted those words out of place. Also, I did submit an application for a position half an hour from home yesterday and I make reference to that in this email.

It’s funny, I’m about to make a parallel between my attitude about food and my attitude about a new job, but leans in I’m eating like crap today. It’s because I’m so tired (which will tie in later) and I’ve made a conscious decision to eat junk food (it’s in addition to healthier foods, but my gut is still protesting), so it’s not like I’ve tossed my good attitude out the window, but I still think this upcoming parallel is sort of ironic. (I looked it up because I wanted to be sure I was using that correctly.)
Parallel:
My attitude about food, fitness and weight loss used to be, “If I’m not perfect, it’s not worth it.” Now it’s a much more practical and laid back approach that focuses on my health and happiness. There are many paths to health and fitness and I found one I can live with.
My attitude about finding a new job used to be, “I must find THE. PERFECT. JOB. or I’ll just be selling myself short again.” Now I can see that even though there are wonderful things about this job and these people, they are not the be-all end-all. And even though I would love to find a job that I would be just as happy with, I know there are many paths to happiness and so even if the environment is a bit different, being that close to home, getting more sleep and having more time for my LIFE would be worth it.
All of this seems obvious when I write it out, but it’s one of those things that, even if the logic is sound, it doesn’t always make its way to the heart right away. I know it’s made its way to my heart now because instead of just thinking, “I don’t want to come here any more, I don’t want to get up early, I don’t want to drive so far…” I’m actually picturing going to this place close to home. In fact, I almost drove there on the way home yesterday, but was so tired I talked myself out of it. Still, I looked it up on the map and have pictured myself driving there. As I was getting dressed this morning I started thinking about how even when [E3] has 7 days off in a row and I don’t get weekend time to myself, I’ll have something like 3-4 hours to myself every night he does work, so it won’t matter as much.
Oh and that application? Was long. Like, really long. Government long. But I did it and didn’t feel nearly as frustrated as I’ve felt in the past.
Even if this isn’t the place or the job, I can feel it in my bones that the right one is close.
You see, my head and my heart were not on speaking terms regarding this matter until, it seems, yesterday. Oddly, while I feel relieved that I feel ready to move on, my body and heart have now gone into a sort of grieving period. All the bone weariness that I’ve been staving off so that I could do this day in and day out will no longer be silenced and really? All I want to do is be quiet, cry and sleep. Well, and write.

I’m still trying to figure out where exercise and eating well fit into things right now. It may be that in a day or two, I’ll be right as rain. Last night, though, I went to bed at 9:00 and woke up twice from nightmares. I plan to go to bed early again tonight and have plans to do a walk/run with a friend after work tomorrow (although in truth, I haven’t the heart for it). I just want to honor the part of me that needs rest and healing.
Run on, y’all.
I’ll catch up.

 

 

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